I have been giving more thought to the agnostic issue of late.What I have to say today has been said many many times before by some of us humans.It is a feeling that transcends time,crosses the boundaries of religion,gender,race.In addition to being a mother,a daughter,a friend to some,an agnostic yogini with spiritual affinity,I am a doctor as well.I have seen many kinds of perilous anguish and suffering , I have seen those who languish,sat at their bed sides in their last moments.I have heard great stories of bravery,courage,hopefulness ,defeat and surrender.I continue to experience my own versions of hope,joy , sufferings.I watch those that are nearest and dearest to me in their own helplessness mire in pain.In the pediatric part of my medical training,I cared for the innocent and untested in life who put up earnest struggles for survival ,sometimes winning against all odds and sometimes perishing never really having a chance to live.In my work as a psychiatrist I hear daily of the churning of the soul and mind.I often helplessly witness the imprisonments of the mind that cause stagnation,thwart growth and lead to an unlived life.There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to any of it.It is never about reward or punishment for anything.It ,that is suffering seems so random, serendipitous,and ubiquitous.I am reaching a precipice of sorts between believing and not believing.A week ago ,I openly revealed my agnostic tendencies.This week,the revelation seems to have grown .I have thought of myself as a theist until recently.Perhaps a more honest answer to myself is that I am possibly dare I say, a spiritual atheist,that I believe only in that which man is capable of being , doing ,feeling and I can only believe in the randomness of it all. I delude myself with my beliefs.I do not know anymore.It is preposterous for me to think of a God that intentionally would stand by and passively watch the suffering that I see daily to the most vulnerable , innocent and those who have not lived long enough to even make mistakes.My mistake is in thinking that I was a believer......
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